Ever since reading the "dirty parts" of Judy Blume's Forever when I was eleven or twelve, I've wanted to name my penis. For those who don't remember, or simply never read the book (pick it up now!), one of the characters names his penis "Ralph". His reasons are never given, but I would imagine the implication is that his penis is very fat and thick -- like Ralph Kramden in the classic sitcom The Honeymooners. I'm thinking I might name my penis "Oates" -- not after Oates of Hall and Oates (though that's a good guess!), but rather writer Joyce Carol Oates --the implication being that I can stay erect for a long time (because Joyce Carol Oates is famous for writing constantly). Other ideas include: HAL -- after the psychotic computer in 2001 (rationale: HAL won't quit killing, nor does my penis quit being erect); Lyndon -- after President Lyndon Johnson (rationale: just as Lyndon Johnson kept the war in Vietnam going, so my penis will keep the erection going); and Pound -- after poet Ezra Pound (rationale: just as it took a long time for Pound to renounce his anti-semitism, so does my erection take a long time to subside).